You Are A Mother

This week hasn't been the easiest for me.  I'm now considered "out of the woods" as far as my ectopic pregnancy goes, and I think it finally REALLY hit me that I've lost my baby.  The past 4 months I felt like I was in survival mode.  I kind of told myself all along it won't feel like it's over until it's over and I know I'm okay.  So now that it's over - it's hitting me hard that my baby is no longer with me.

I am blessed to have been given the opportunity that not many women have to even become pregnant, however, it's hard knowing you are a mother, but not having a child to hold or pictures of him/her to show for it.  I can't help but wonder what would our baby have been like?  What would he/she have looked like?  I'll find out when I get home with Jesus.  In the meantime, I found this really beautiful poem that really spoke to me and comforted me, right in time for Mother's Day.  I thought I'd share it :)


YOU ARE A MOTHER

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked "What makes me a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:

 "A Mother has a Baby", this we know is true.

"But God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?"

"YES, you can" He replied, with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."

He took a breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile, with other children and say:"

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons, of love, life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly,
my Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly, my Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear and say
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here."

"So now you see my dear sweet one, your child is okay.
Your baby is in my home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until our lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they will be at the gates waiting for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done,
They'll be up here with Me one day, and know that you're the best one!"

It's Not Just Something, It's Someone.

It's been over 8 months since my last blog post.  I've fallen off the writing wagon.  As I sit here tonight drenched in my thoughts, I figured I should write about what's on my heart.

As many of you know, I am going through an ectopic pregnancy at the moment.  I was diagnosed with it at 6 weeks and I am currently going on 10 weeks along. 

God did some major movement in my heart, and in Brian's heart over the past few years.  When we first got married, we told ourselves we would never want to have children.  The reasoning behind that was our past hurts, insecurities, and fears of failure.  God brought us through those wounds and really put the desire to have a family on our hearts.

After months of trying to conceive, it was the biggest blessing to find out we were expecting the morning of January 27th.  Just a few days later, I started to experience complications.  Thankfully, I'm in tune with my body and communicated my concerns right away with my doctor.  After rounds and rounds of lab work, progesterone supplements and 2 ultrasounds, my doctor confirmed I had an ectopic pregnancy.  Now I've gone through some difficult times in my life, but this by far shook me the most. 

I was prepared to be pregnant, I was prepared to be a mother, and in the back of my mind... I was mentally prepared with the risk of a miscarriage.  I'm a planner. I don't like to be caught off guard.  I like to know how things go A-Z, what to expect, and I like to know my facts.  I knew nothing about an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't realize the seriousness of it.

Ectopic pregnancies are never viable & can be life threatening to me if not treated. It's either treated with surgery OR through injections of a drug called Methotrexate, which is usally administered to cancer patients. This drug basically stops the development of growing cells in the body...meaning, it stops the growth of the baby, and slowly breaks down/disolves the baby.  These days, this is the desired method of treating an ectopic pregnancy and it was the suggested method by my doctor.  For one, I was relieved with this route as I did not want to have surgery!  Secondly, this is the preferred method for treatment as having surgery will cause scar tissue to the fallopian tube causing an increased risk for future ectopic pregnancies.  My risk of having another ectopic pregnancy in the future is 15%.  It's been a long month and a half of complications, confusion, hurt, sadness, side effects of the medication and the feeling of loss.

I understand how people not in my situation perhaps don't know how to comfort us or reassure us, but one thing I'm having a hard time with is how some people view this situation.  Some think of it as just a blob, or a mass, or just tissue.  To me, it's my baby.  Regardless how big or how small, it's my baby.

Others view this situation as "Oh well, this one didn't work out, you'll try again."  While yes, that's true, but it seems a little insensitive in the moment to me.  It's not like I just lost a goldfish and I can go to the store and buy a new one.  I feel rushed or expected to move on quickly, or like I shouldn't grieve as there is nothing I can do about it. 

Even though I'll never get to hold this baby, it's still... MY BABY.  OUR BABY. 

I know several women that have gone through loss... whether it was a miscarriage, pregnancy lost half way thru their pregnancy, delivered their baby full term and lost them at still birth, etc.  When I started hearing these stories lately, I would compare myself and say to myself,  "Oh man, they had it WAY worse than me."   However, I don't think the pain is any less or any greater dependant on the duration a mother carries their baby. 

I am a mother... and I've lost my child.

This baby is a gift God gave us, an answered prayer, and something special created between Brian and I.  I may not get to feel, hold, touch, cuddle, or be able to love on this child until I get to heaven, but it's still... my baby. 

It's not just the loss of this child.  It's the loss of a dream.  A loss of the excitement and anticipation.  The loss of us becoming a family this year.

Brian and I were going to name this baby Liam if it was a boy, and Taylor if it was a girl.  Since we don't know the gender, we put both of the names together and named this baby Tayliam. 

Tayliam Ronnie Drew. 

Ronnie is my dad's name (Ron) who passed away in 2002.  I believed from the moment I found out I was pregnant that my dad was this baby's angel, I sort of just felt it and knew!  So, this is a nice little way of remembering the 2 most special people I have ever lost in my life.

I wholeheartedly know that God will redeem and bless us with a family one day.  I've seen God be glorified though this experience with the outpouring of love, prayer & support from our friends, family and church family.  I also know that I personally have grown closer to God than I had ever been before in my life which is a blessing in itself. 

Melissa

OUR NEW HOME!

After 2 years in living in our first home we shared together, Brian and I are MOVING! Our first home was SO special to us.  We even got MARRIED in our backyard.  It will be hard to say good-bye... but we are very excited to move into a place we can call "home." 

We had a few reasons why we wanted to move, and began our search about a month ago.  It was frustrating because we really wanted to stay living in Bay View, ideally on the other side of Kinnickinnic Ave which is even closer to the lake than where we are now, but everything we were looking at was really run down and way over priced, no yard, no utilities or maybe not even appliances included.  Out of no where this rental listing popped up during my search, but it was for the city of St. Francis.  I was in love with the photos/specs, but because it was in St. Francis, not Bay View, initially, we weren't that excited to see it.  We labeled ourselves die hard Bay View'ers for life!

Well, needless to say, God knows what's best for us and he changed our eyes and opened our hearts to the idea of living in St. Francis.  It's literally only a 2 minute 30 second drive from our current house to our new one! Come on picky pants, right!?

Brian and I fell SOOO in love with this home!  With God changing our heart and us wanting to start a family, this home is a HOME and a great spot and perfect quiet little neighborhood!

A lot of people have been asking about our home.  I have put a few pics/blurbs up about it on Facebook, but it must not be showing up in everyone's news feed.  SO, I figure this is a good way to go. 

Here are the specs of the home and the pictures. Can't wait to have everyone over to come see it and hang out with us!!! :)  We are moving July 15th. 
_________________________________________________________________________________

2+ bedroom with 2 full baths & Central A/C! Approx 1300 sq ft.  Entire house was remodeled to almost 100% new construction!!!

Open concept 1st level with real Brazilian Cherry floors in living & dining, tiled kitchen & full bath on main floor. Kitchen has eat-in breakfast bar, great pantry/closet, appliances + dishwasher and full glass exterior door with built-in blinds lets in tons of light! 1st level also offers double doored office/den (or bedroom w/o closet). Plus, 1st floor laundry!

2nd floor boasts a flowing master bedroom with trendy exposed beams, gas fireplace, HUGE walk-in closet and 2nd full bath featuring dual head 5'x5' walk-in tiled shower w/ large glass block window & built-in bench.

Lower level is half exposed with 4 large windows, lots of storage closets and is fully finished with drywall & carpet over protective raised floor system with drain tile. Sooo many uses for this space that feels & looks like an upper level!

Adorable backyard features small deck off kitchen with a poured patio. Manageable yard saves time & money mowing/gas - yet is large enough for cookouts & enjoyable relaxing.

HUGE 2 - 3+ car garage measures 20' x 32'! Features extra tall garage door to accommodate work vans with ladders, full staircase to access spanning 2nd story storage level with exterior 2nd story access for storing ladders etc from alley. Additional garage door on opposite side of building grants access to the yard for easy mowing/full drive-thru. Extra parking available on long patio block laid space alongside the garage - large enough for a car & trailer!

Quaint area in amazing neighborhood & very quiet street! The City of Saint Francis is an incredible place to live! Feel like you're in the suburbs, yet still be close to downtown with a short distance to the lake and parks galore!

APPLICANCES INCLUDED; refrigerator, range, and dishwasher!





 

Meet Amber Budahn! Personal Trainer & Owner of Wild Workouts & Wellness In Bay View, WI.

Amber Antonia Budahn
Owner & Trainer
Wild Workouts & Wellness/Bay View, WI

B.S., CSCS, ACE PT, USATF 1, CHEK HLC 1, REIKI 1

"Bay View's Eco-Friendly Gym!"

Amber Antonia Budahn, is a certified health and fitness professional with over nine years of experience. With a B.S. in Biology and Chemistry from the University of Wisconsin Parkside, and numerous certifications, Amber provides the technical expertise to target her clients’ health concerns while explaining it in a way that is easily understood.
Amber’s enthusiasm for fitness stems from her being one of the top female race walkers in the United States. After being an All-American cross-country and track and field athlete at UW-Parkside, Amber has gone on to compete in the Pan-American Games, World Cup Trials, and Olympic Trials. Amber does not just talk the talk, she walks the walk.

Amber tailors her training to work with variety of clients of all ages and abilities.With her in-depth knowledge of exercise, challenging and varied workouts, and focus on biomechanics, Amber’s clients receive long-term results and establish healthy habits and a love for exercise that last a lifetime. Creating a cohesive network of support, Amber’s clients work as a team to achieve more and build on the successes of each other.

With her dynamic approach, high energy and positive attitude, Amber not only motivates her clients but compels audiences with her motivational and educational presentations. Some of Amber’s audiences include: U.S. Navy Reserve, U.S AirForce Fire Department, Association of Equipment Manufacturers,Cudahy Fire Department, Crohn’s and Colitits Foundation, Sigma Aldrich Chemical, South Texas Walking Club and other local and nationwide organizations.

As a Trainer, a Coach, a Speaker, an Athlete and a Business Owner, Amber inspires others to DO MORE and BE MORE.

Wild Workouts and Wellness is a "GREEN" Gym! Read HERE to see how Amber's gym makes efforts to maintain a toxin-free & environmentally friendly place!

My Personal Health/Fitness Consultation:

I have seen Amber do consultations with her clients before, but I got to experience one personally.... and it was amazing!  Amber took my detailed health history, discussed my food intake, we talked about nutrition and foods that are recommended to eat & not to eat.  (Upon signing up for a membership at Wild Workouts, Amber will give you a copy of her book entitled "Eat Wild." It's a great resource and very informative that explains foods that are toxic to our health and so much more!) 

In addition, she paid exceptional detail to my body mechanics.  From looking at the tread on my shoes to see how I walk, to studying my gate (walking style), and other body mechanics like touching my toes, arm reaches and my posture.  Amber had asked me to try to touch my toes.  I attempted, but my capability only allowed me to reach mid shin.  She told me "I'm going to get you to touch your toes!" (with a convincing smile!).  I was thinking I'd be able to touch my toes again in a couple of months!  Amber had me do some "rolling" exercises to loosen up my muscles.  20 minutes later, she asked me to touch my toes again.  I effortlessly touched not only my toes, but the FLOOR!  First time since I was in high school since I've been able to do that!  I came right home and showed my husband who knew I was not capable of doing this, and he was so impressed, too!

Amber uses her notes and the body mechanics evaluation to custom design each member's workout sessions based on personal ability. 

I personally have scoliosis, a titled pelvis, and my right hip is significantly higher than the left leg, which makes certain exercises more complicated for me than it will be for others. It's things like this that Amber takes into consideration for each of her members! She's really brilliant! :)

Amber is full of energy, spunk, motivation & encouragement!  It's a work out experience unparallel to anything I've ever witnessed!  You'll also receive monthly check-in's personally from Amber to see how you are doing with your workouts, health & results in addition to her getting to know you personally at each workout!

If you are looking for a GREAT, ECO-FRIENDLY GYM that focuses on individual results, contact Amber at Wild Workouts and Wellness today for your FREE initial consultation! 

Try Wild Workouts & Wellness FREE for ONE WEEK and see for yourself!

Click HERE to print out your free 1 week pass! Just simply print this out and call to schedule a time to come in and meet Amber!

Wild Workouts & Wellness
Amber Antonia Budahn
Tel:  (414) 364.0303
Email: wildworkoutsandwellness@gmail.com
Website:  http://www.wildworkoutsandwellness.com
Address:  2469 S. Kinnickinnic Avenue
                Milwaukee, WI  53207 (Bay View)
                Located in the old Avalon Theatre Building (a few blocks south of Lincoln Avenue).